I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
