Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
