Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
