Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
