I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
