my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
