I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
