I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
