i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
