3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
