I am puke
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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