Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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