It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize