i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The Olympian is in my bed
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
