...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
