I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
