I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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