what day is it and did you see me today?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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