So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
