Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
