you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
