Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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