ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Randomize
