Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
