I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
