At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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