Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
