haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
