I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
