Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
