You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
