Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
