If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
