final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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