I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
