So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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