If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
