I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
