I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
