probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
