Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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