Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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