Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
