I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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