not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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