you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
