i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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