in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
