the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
