did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My ATM looks so different sober.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
