My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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