I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
