My cat gives me a boner
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
there is glitter all over my balls
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
