I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
