just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
