im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
