is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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