and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
