We won't sleep together?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
