i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
