i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
